i do not know how it is possible for me to have been born from such a retarded family.
i have been having heart problems. fast, pounding, feels like someone is sitting on my chest heart problems. the other night i couldn't sleep all night because of the horrible feeling in my chest and around 4:30am i went to get my mother to see if she could rub my back because i thought maybe that would help. i told her it felt like there was a hole in my chest. her response? "there is no hole in your chest!" to which i became very upset saying "why would there be a hole in my chest? i never said there WAS a hole in my chest. why would i not know that there was not a hole in my chest? i was simply trying to explain to you how it felt." to which she assumed i was freaking out and started grabbing me and holding me down and then when i tried to get her off of me she ran into her room and locked the door and wouldn't let me in screaming "YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN." and then when she finally calmed the fuck down i started crying trying to explain to her how ridiculous it was that she was freaking out at me when i was not freaking out because #1 i was trying to get my fucking heart to calm down. yeah. great idea. let's freak out at someone whose heart is not acting right and try to upset them even more. does she realise that this is what she was doing? of course she fucking doesn't. she is fucking RETARDED.
and tonight i offered to make her a protein drink and i asked her if she wanted half a drink or a whole drink. could she answer this simple question? of course not. she said she knew nothing about the protein powder so she could not decide if she wanted half a drink or a whole drink. she said that since i was using one cup of water (i was not ... she made this up) she thought maybe half a drink would be better than a whole one. where the fuck did she come up with this shit? i have no fucking clue. and i stand there holding the scoop and the measuring cup trying to explain to her the process of measuring and that if i make half a drink the ratio of protein powder to water will be the same as if i were to make a whole drink and she still didn't fucking understand. and then my heart starts pounding and freaking out again and i told her my heart was freaking out again and she needs to start thinking a little bit more because she should be able to answer such an easy question and her response to me is that i need not to take things so seriously.

@(*$)#*%()
and she doesn't understand why i am so upset that stupid mark is gone because even though he sucked and now sucks even more serious ass at least he was somewhere to which to escape. and now i have nowhere else to go. and i am starting to go seriously crazy in this fucking retarded house. and she doesn't understand why i am going crazy. and she doesn't understand why in the spring i wanted to become totally independent so that i didn't have to ever rely on her so that i didn't have to put up with this bullshit that serves no purpose other than to drive me crazy. that she knows drives me crazy and her only response is that i have to calm down, not i will try not to drive you crazy all the time and act like A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON. and of course now asshole mark tells me i am not independent. like yes. great idea. let's use the thing that will hurt me the most against me because i never did anything EVER wrong to you. well. as soon as my heart is not freaking out and my stomach acid isn't burning a hole through my stomach and as soon as i can fucking go to the bathroom again and as soon as i am not in excrutiating arthritis pain and as soon as they have ruled out that my joints are fusing together (assuming they can even do that) and as soon as i can figure out a way that i can be around people without getting sick for months and months then i will be independent and i will make tons of fucking money and i will tell you all to go fucking FUCK YOURSELVES.

so this weekend has been shitty as all hell. but it has been a blessing. i have learned not to waste any more of my time. i really freaked out. but it was good that i did. because i got the answer i have been looking for for almost three months now (and in reality, much longer than that).
i was thinking about a time that i drove to panera and as i was walking back to my car saw a dying bird who had been half run-over flopping around and crying and i am a terrible, terrible person because i didn't know what to do and i was crying and i should have run him over just to make him not hurt so bad but at the time i was so upset i didn't know what to do.
i am crying just thinking about it.
i am a very compassionate soul. i hurt deeply. even when i don't hurt myself i hurt for those who are hurting. terribly. gnawing. i was thinking that the asshole i used to love so much used to look so much down on people who worked at places like restaurants and things, and like the people at brueggers he always assumed would get things wrong because they worked at brueggers and they must be stupid. i do not know why i did not pay more attention to these things. some of those people at brueggers have been my best friends through all of this. they have given me free food and support and hugs and ears to talk. and last night i was at bahama breeze and the waiter did not speak english very well so i tried to really be nice to him and thank him very much for everything he did because i am sure there are a lot of people who are just mean to him. people are so fucking mean. i can't stand it. and i don't understand. i don't look down on anyone until they prove to me that they are mean, or conceited, or otherwise worthless. and most of those people that should be looked down on are not that ones that are often looked down on in this very screwed up society of ours. i go through my day hoping that even if i can smile and say "have a nice day" and be genuinely kind to someone, that maybe it might give them the hope or the boost they need. you never know what people are going through. you never fucking know. you can't just be mean. i always hope that i can at least make somebody feel even a little bit better every day. even when i am fucking miserable.
like my friend at brueggers. she has more afflictions than anyone i know. terrible autoimmune problems. terrible family issues. she is not making a lot of money, and she really doesn't have much of an option to do otherwise at this point in her life. the aforementioned asshole thought she was just crazy. he would go get breakfast for us and she would send back a brownie for me. she has more than once sent me home with several bags of bagels, a pot of coffee, and lots of other goodies for free or for the cost of a cup of coffee.
the aforementioned asshole was brought up in a family that thought that it was okay to leave all of their trash all over the place in the movie theatre after the movie was over because it was the job of the people working there to pick it up. the first time i saw this in action i was completely shocked and needless to say appalled.
i will never understand why certain people think they are so special and so wonderful and so much more deserving and better than the rest of humanity.
and this is where i am different. i think that i am smarter, more talented, better-looking, and more thoughtful and compassionate than most of the people on this earth. but i do not believe that this entitles me to anything. i do not believe that this makes me BETTER than anyone else. i do not believe that this gives me the power to look down on anyone. if anything, i believe that it gives me the further responsibility of using these things to try to help other people and to try to make this world a better place. it is not a burden, it is a responsibility. it is confidence rather than selfishness and arrogance. i have said it a million times before, but some of the most deserving people i have ever met have been some of the most unfortunate. if you once think that you are automatically better than these people because you were born to better circumstances, you have just proven that you aren't worth the space you occupy.
24909faosdfjk
i apologise for the rant. i have been greatly angered, frustrated, upset, flabbergasted, &c. &c. &c. by a ridiculous e-mail i received yesterday. i would discuss it further but it is not worth the breath or the words it would use to write.

yesterday, after this whole fiasco, i got myself together and went down to philadelphia, and after being misdirected as to where king of prussia is, finally got to the mall, and spent a great couple of hours at nordstrom rack. i got some GREAT deals (can you say $200 jeans for $20?) and some really cute stuff, and i'm really excited to kind of change things up a bit so that i can hopefully get back to myself some more in every aspect of my life. i have a lot of shitty t-shirts that i have to get rid of because someone kept buying me grab bags of t-shirts that i never wanted and that i never liked. i have a lot of shitty stuff that i never wanted.
i am reminded of the episode of frasier in which joe breaks up with daphne and roz says to her something to the effect of "it couldn't have been too great if the sex was bad and the jewelry was bad."
i have to keep thinking of that. the sex was BAD (well, with the exception of a few times, but there has been no good sex for dear god like ... three years?) and there was no fucking jewelry. the nicest thing i got was my ipod and i really had to sort of beg for that and that was given to me as a consolation prize anyway after i had surgery and he handed it to me and bolted. and he thought that that was too much of a committment. sometimes i wonder where the fuck my head was. oh yeah. ruled by my steadfast heart that was convinced that we were soulmates and that he was going to be with me and then everything would be better beyond my wildest dreams.
so yes. i have to do a lot of cleaning and sorting and getting rid of because i have a lot of stuff from him that i do NOT want lying around anymore because i am moving on with my life once and for all. i am going to try to get into a new apartment. i am going to fucking finish school and then i am going to decide where I want to live and this decision will be based only on what I want and where i can find a good set of doctors. i am going to find a way to make some money so that i can get a couple of things that i want. i have a lot of stuff that i have to do and tonight i bought a notebook for the exclusive purpose of planning this all out so that i can accomplish what i want and make up for lost time, so-to-speak. it's a very sad time, but it's a time that i have to keep reminding myself would have come sooner or later, so it is good that it is now and not when i have kids or have nowhere else to turn, or anything like that. and although it is a sad time, it is also a very hopeful time. it is a time when the whole world is mine to grab, and i really look forward to grabbing it.
my wrist is swollen. i really punched a wall yesterday in my rage and i did some damage to my hand. i hope it is not broken, i do not think it is.
i am done with that fucking anger! i can't wait. never in my life has anything or anyone enabled or pushed me to be as angry as i was with him. i have to remember that too. even given that e-mail yesterday he knows what buttons to push to hurt me the most. that's fucking done with. no more shaking uncontrollably and breaking things that i can't afford to replace and hurting myself in the process and destroying my heart and my mind and wanting just to die to get away from the horrible anger. NEVER.
i will not again allow someone to make me someone that i am not. if i have learned anything, i believe that is it.
blah blah blah i am writing wayyyy tooo much tonight and i think that is probably because i am exhausted because as anyone who knows me knows i have not been sleeping much for months upon months upon months now.
i initially came here to write that i am going to mitsuwa tomorrow and i am super psyched and i cannot wait and i have to make my grocery list!
it's funny because today i was thinking "what doctor appointments do i have tomorrow?" when i realised that tomorrow is my day off so-to-speak. and i half-cried and half-laughed at the fact that mr. asshole told me that he should have given me more tough love when times were tough, that i should be more independent, that i have to learn to get better on my own, when going to doctors is pretty much a full-time job for me right now. let me think. off the top of my head i have seven doctors appointments in four days this week. and sadly this is not an unusual amount for the way things have gone over the past few months.
but. i will strap my tens machine on tonight and hopefully wake up in a little less pain (if i ever get to sleep to wake up in the first place). and i can't wait to try some delicious new foods. and the next few weekends i am doing other fun stuff too.
oooh i also got some sexy underwear and clothes this weekend and i can't wait to wear them. i don't have anyone to model them to right now, but for the time being, that's okay. i can look good to myself ; )

mike tomlin just drove by as i was walking out of my apartment. that's pretty cool.